by Sarah J. Blake
September 2, 2005
The evacuation was lifted late Friday evening, August 13. I returned home alone--my roommates and all the cats would return the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to stay another night, but I declined. For some reason, I wanted to be at home in my own bed. It was like an obsession that I couldn't understand until I was writing in my journal the next morning.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was very upset about being here alone, and I chided myself for being upset after making a choice to come home alone. I finally realized that what I needed was to release pure emotional stress. Being here alone allowed me to do that without inhibition--and I did. I cried like a little child, sobbing at the top of my lungs like a baby. I've been hot and tired, and I've spent two days holding myself together because there were practical things to take care of and what Adam and Amy did not need was me crashing so severely while their little girls were also in meltdown. If we had actually had a storm, there might have been a point to letting the crash come at some time. But I needed to have "the crash" come uninhibited--my own little storm needed to blow itself out.
Evacuating and anticipating a major hurricane was emotionally stressful--more stressful than anything I had ever experienced. Upon returning home, I found it difficult to shed the disaster mindset. I had been prepared to expect fire hazards, and that's what I expected even when there was no reason to suspect fire.
As I finish writing this, I am noticing something: a noise that is normal. But I find myself second-guessing it. Because I was the one to come home first, I was the one to turn on the power. I had difficulty with one of the breaker switches, and I later discovered that I had missed one when I went to investigate why the air conditioner wasn't running. So I have been afraid, and I go outside to see if what I hear is really rain or if it could be the crackling of fire since I am also noticing the sound of the air conditioning unit outside for the first time. It's rain--big drops coming in a torrent. It lasts for about five minutes and then slows to a nice shower.
I never wanted to deal with another hurricane in my life again. I knew that I needed to get some things in order in case of another storm sometime in the future, but I never expected to have to do it again ... especially in less than a month.