by Sarah J. Blake
September 2, 2005
Coping with my emotions after Hurricane Frances was no easier than it had been after Hurricane Charley. I realized that one of the ways people handled their feelings was by cleaning up debris and helping each other. These were things I was not able to participate in. I was certainly capable; but I did not have the opportunity. In the crisis situation, I had become a person who should be cared for. My contributions to the community were not needed--the families had food even though their power was still out because they had a grill and extended family members living nearer to them than I did. I could not help with debris clean-up because I could not see to avoid dangerous situations. I didn't have money to donate to anyone who had lost anything... I was left alone with my memories as well as my feelings of uselessness.
I'm expected to be "independent" and not lean too much on people, but when I try to find ways to give to other people, I'm not allowed to or can't do things that any other adult would do. Because I have limitations, I'm just taken care of and left on the sidelines. I keep hearing my mom say that it just takes extra time to show me what to do, etc. So my help isn't really help at all but just something people allow me to do when they can afford the burden of showing me how to help.
One of the best ways to get out of depression is to get outside yourself. I'm trying... But I can't. I'm forced back inside myself. Maybe if I go to sleep for a little while, I'll feel better when I wake up. But what if I don't [feel better], and what if going to sleep is just a cop out? The fact that I feel like this doesn't make me eligible to just walk out on life. But trying to go about daily things in this frame of mind is just making the frame of mind worse.
When we returned from the restaurant, our power had been restored. I don't remember much of that evening--we probably set the computers back up since we had taken them down upon hearing about the possible flooding from the storm surge. I know that I spent much of the next day in bed and that I was fairly unresponsive to one of my roommates who sat with me. I remember realizing that I could not ride out another hurricane. If we got another warning, I would have to leave--and if I left, I would have to move back to Indiana, into the apartment my parents had never rented out. I didn't have enough savings for anything but a one-way trip.