by Sarah
I don't know how long I have felt that my self was fragmented. I was aware at a very young age--perhaps 10 or 11--of the existence of the characters who became the symbols of my fragmented self. I recall trying to draw near to God when I was about 12. I don't think I knew what it meant then. I had grown up in church and knew the stories about what Jesus did for people and how he had died to save them from their sins. I remember having a fight with my sister and knowing that my behavior was not pleasing to God. I remember crying and wanting desperately to please Him. I don't know if I realized I could not please Him by my own efforts. I think I just knew that if I wanted to please Him, the way to show it was to be baptized. So I was baptized.
After this experience I did begin to draw closer to Him, seeing Him as a friend who loved me even though my peers did not. I talked to Him often about my depression and loneliness. Sometimes I almost felt Him physically near me. I heard a voice in my mind, comforting me and giving me direction in my actions, and occasionally I felt hands all around me, as if they were there to hold me or lift me up.
My mood was very unstable. My outlook on life was very unstable. I could swing very quickly from feeling hopeless to feeling that I had the resources and energy to meet life's challenges or vise versa. I remember that I did fantasize a lot. I fantasized about meeting the girls I had created for my stories, the girls who became the embodiment of my own self. I could not help myself to find a friend, so I dreamed of girls who needed friends and I dreamed of girls who were kind enough to be friends. I did not know then that I was trying to be my own friend, to love the person God had created me to be.
By the time I learned that I had become a fragmented self, I was 24 years old. There were many aspects of myself that I refused to face or accept. Mostly these were feelings of failure or inability to achieve. Some were feelings of being defective or untouchable. I tried to hold on to some bit of self-esteem by ejecting my negative emotions into sad, withdrawn, or angry children and teenagers--quiet, dreamy Beth; Emma, who became terrified if any of the others looked at her; and several sullen 14-year-olds who would have enjoyed breaking things at times... At the same time, I ejected my strengths into strong, task-oriented adults like Meredith, Cara, and Megan. I could not reconcile the conflict between my strengths and my failures, between my friendliness and my untouchableness. I was left empty, so empty that I even ejected the happy memories of my childhood into playful, friendly children. Finally, I ejected my faith into beings which lost their humanity. Perhaps angels use them to minister to me. Perhaps only my imagination tells me they are angels. But this is what has happened as a result of all my confusion about who I am. I am left with two questions. How did I become such a confused and mixed-up adult? And how could such a mixed up, fragmented adult heal?
The answer is that the type of healing needed is more often than not a slow process. What I have collected and buried for years cannot be uncovered overnight. God does not expect it to be uncovered, forgiven, or healed overnight. If He did and if it could, wouldn't life be an easy thing? No, healing is very much a slow process. It is slow because He means for me to learn from it. He means for me to learn who He is and who He has made me to be. It is slow so that I know what happened and how I can share it with others who need it. It is slow because becoming all that God wants me to be is a life-long process.
These things give me peace. The only thing which breaks that peace is a question which occasionally passes through my mind. Does God think it is bad for me to have parts? Is it a sin for me to keep listening to them, asking for their help in my daily life? Does that mean that I am choosing to remain in my illness and not to accept His healing?
This is a point of view to which I and others with psychiatric disorders are exposed often. It is also a point of view which reflects human expectations, not God's. Here is how I know.
Once Jesus healed a blind man. He healed many blind men, of course, but this one is important. It was the one time that I know about when the healing was not instantaneous. He asked the man what he could see, and the man said he could see people as though they were trees. Jesus spit in some dirt, made a mud mask, and put it on the man's eyes. He then told the man to go and wash in the river. After doing this, the man was healed.
I don't know all of the significant things about this story yet. This I do know. Jesus knew exactly what to do for the man. He did not chastise the man for not accepting or receiving the healing the first time. He did not tell the man that he only got one chance to be healed. He just did what would complete the healing.
In the same way He works with me and my parts. Some of them are strong. Some of them are weak. Just as in the body of Christ members pray for each other, the strong parts of me pray for the weaker parts. I learn to see in my mind the child parts being held and loved by the older, stronger parts. I learn to see the teenagers rejoicing when something good happens. I learn to allow the child parts to cry. I learn to allow the older parts to succeed. And eventually, I learn to celebrate with the teens, cry with the children, and succeed with the adults. It is a very slow and difficult process.
I have been attempting to hide myself from myself because I am frightened of who I am. I am frightened of my own vulnerability, which is evidenced by the fact that I return to my attempts at achieving my goals despite getting disappointed. But God made me that way, and He can and will teach me how to let Him heal my disappointments. The first step in His lesson plan is for me to learn to acknowledge the people I see in my head, to give them freedom to feel and to act. The next step is for me to feel and act with them. This step I have begun, and as I have begun it, the girls have become a bit less visible to me. This too frightens me. I need them. I am not who they are.
But I am who they are, they tell me. They are inside me. They will always be inside me, whether or not they use their names. And, most importantly, God is always with me, for as long as I choose to acknowledge Him and to accept His leading. I have gotten hurt. He is the Healer, the giver of life. He has the strength when I don't have it. And He loves me--all of me! He understands my giving names to my parts. His Body is certainly shared by many parts, and He calls each of us by name! We are all the body of Christ, and it is important that we all work in harmony. In the same way, my parts are striving for harmony and consistency. How I refer to the aspects of myself is a small concern. What I accomplish with the parts of myself is the key. Just as His body's members are growing at different stages, so are the members of my body at different stages of healing and commitment. I have no doubt He understands and will intervene in response to the prayer of any of my parts.
What I would say to you if you are a person who has some parts which are trying to draw near to God is this. Let them have the freedom to draw near and to receive His strength. Do not let yourself be kept away from Him by the fact that all of you are not at the same level of understanding, trust, or acceptance. All people experience spiritual difficulties. Those difficulties are simply felt differently. They may be felt as momentary doubts or waverings, profound mountaintop experiences, etc. We are all learning to give every area of our lives over to Jesus Christ, whether or not we think of ourselves as one person or many.
I want to go back to the story about the blind man. The place where he was told to wash the mud mask off was a cleansing place, a symbolic place. Something apparently needed to happen inside himself before he could receive his physical healing. God can and will complete the healing of our hearts and spirits, but we must go to the cleansing place and stand before Him unashamed of our hurts. Let whatever needs to happen within happen in its order. Let the parts draw near and receive inner healing and strength. Much of what holds us in our fragmented state is our own sense of worthlessness and pain. The only way out of that sense is to allow God to heal something and show us that He does love us and care deeply for every need and every part of us!
I would like to share a few of the verses that have strengthened me along the way. It is my prayer that they will also encourage and strengthen anyone who reads this. If you wish to contact me, please feel free to email me. As you read these last verses and comments, I pray your heart will be encouraged.
Philippians 1:6 "I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work among you will bring it to completion by the day of Jesus Christ."
This verse helps me to remember that my growing in Christ is a process and that God does not expect me to be all grown up all at once. He is always working on me, and that is reason for me to trust Him and rejoice!
Philippians 3:21 "He will transform the body of our humiliation that it may be conformed to the body of his glory, by the power that also enables him to make all things subject to himself."
God is able to turn anything into a thing that can and will glorify Him. He will do it if we will allow Him. If we are willing to use the hurts of the past to His glory, He will show us the way. Struggling to accept my disability and the circumstances which led to much of my emotional trauma, I have at times taken great comfort in His ability to use them to His glory while at other times fighting the bitterness that comes as a result of the experience of emotional trauma. He understands this struggle better than I do and is willing to help me to overcome it. I need only to allow Him the freedom to work in my life in the way He chooses.
Isaiah 46:3-4 "I will be your God through all your lifetime, yes, even when your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and be your Saviour."
God is not a God of abandonment. He promises throughout the Bible that He will be with His people. His promises are unchanging. He still promises these things today. No matter where we go or what we do, He is still the same loving, forgiving God, and His love is there for us to cling to or, if we should stray, to return to.
Joshua 1:9 "I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
There have been many things which I feared. There have been times when God has allowed me to know in certain ways appropriate to my needs that He was with me. When I look back on those times, I do feel at peace and know that He is always with me wherever I go.
Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul."
Psalm 27:8 "'Come,' my heart says, 'seek his face!' Your face, LORD, do I seek."
Many people feel far from God or like they cannot find Him or draw close to Him. This verse was most encouraging to me when I felt far away and unworthy to approach God. I was in a dry place of doubting when a friend sent me this verse. I realized that the key to finding God was to seek Him with all my heart and soul, to look for Him in my life despite my doubts. It was certainly a difficult challenge--my doubts were much easier to see. But He was there, and when I do seek Him with my whole heart and soul, I do find that He is there and does care.
Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."
Much of God's truth is not known by the average person on the street. His ways are not our ways, and sometimes this means that while we are stuck in wanting things to be our way we do not have the openness of mind to understand His ways. When we call to Him with our hearts, we open them to receive understanding of His ways, and He answers by showing us who He is.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Much of life involves waiting, and life with God is no exception. There are many reasons why He asks us to wait. His timing is perfect! Trust Him to take that perfect time, to care for your need to be ready for the truths He has to give to you. He never arrives too late.
Ephesians 1:17 "I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him. ..."
Often people feel that they cannot understand the things of God. It is important to pray before seeking His truth that He will enable you to understand and apply it.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things in him who strengthens me."
I often forget that I cannot do many things on my own. Even when I do not see it, God is giving me strength and help. I often panic when something seems too hard or painful for me. He has never failed to give me strength when I asked for it.
Philippians 4:19-20 "And my God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen."
He knows our needs even better than we do. Often He has given me things I did not know I needed, and it was only on looking back that I could see how He had been providing for me all along.
The following sites and books may be helpful for people who struggle with spirituality, wounds from the church experience, etc. and the churches and support groups which minister to them.
What People with DID Want the Church to Hear
Understanding dissociative disorders is important for clergy and church members for several reasons. Besides the fact that faith can play a powerful role in the healing process, the humanness of the church unfortunately leads to instances of abuse by clergy
or others in the church which can shape the abused person's perceptions of God and the church. Understanding dissociation also helps church members relate appropriately to the person with a dissociative disorder. Here are some quotations from people with DID.
"The Measure of a Church"
Here is some interesting commentary on churches in America and expectations regarding members' participation.
The
Healthy Christian Life
This book presents some Bible study plans designed to be of use when dealing with
various mental health-related issues.
The Search for Significance (Workbook Included)
I found this very helpful in working through a lot of my issues regarding self-worth. It is definitely not a sit and read kind of book, and working through it takes a lot of
time and soul-searching. It is worth it.
Honestly
This is Sheila Walsh's account of dealing with clinical depression. I read it recently and found it both helpful and encouraging. It is refreshing to see someone who is well-known in the church acknowledge depression as an illness and be so open about her struggle. I also gained a lot of insight into myself while reading this book.
12 'Christian' Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy: Relief from False Assumptions
This is a really good book addressing several commonly held beliefs and why they are not true. Reading this was like taking a hundred pounds off my shoulders.