At the time of this writing it has been eight years since my first experience with traumatic loss. I knew that it had an effect on me, but I never realized the extent of that effect until I began planning this writing. I experienced a series of losses between 1992 and 1995 which were different in several ways but all resulted in the development and reinforcement of a deep-seated fear of loss and abandonment. This is difficult to deal with in the first place. Adding to the equasion the fact that I was already a dissociator and that the relationships which were lost were my strongest sources of emotional support during a very turbulent time in my life intensifies the effect greatly.
In 1991, I was struggling to come to terms with the relationship of my blindness to my spirituality. God, in His wisdom and mercy, sent me a friend--a friend who was gifted in the ministry of teaching and prayer. All things that God gives are given for a time and a place. This is difficult for me to accept and understand in light of the fact that she died a very premature death just nine months after we met. The circumstances of her death were rather complicated and aroused suspicion of another person. That person's behavior did nothing to resolve the problem of conflicting information. In fact, it exaggerated the problem.
I received some phone calls from this person in which disturbing things were said. I also believe that I "dreamed" about other phone calls which were never made. I was not always asleep when this happened. In some cases I was awake and apparently trying to ward off intrusive sensory experiences which I now understand represented my reactions to the situation surrounding my friend's death.
I did not sleep well in the weeks following her death. I stayed up late at night, greatful for the modem which enabled me to talk to friends in various areas of the country who had known us both. But even their support could not take away the pain or stop the intrusive experiences. I soon began to fear anything which could cause premature death, and the intrusive experiences changed from phone calls or other contact with the person I felt was somehow responsible for her death to scenes in which I or another person was killed, usually in a car accident. These experiences followed me to the university I entered as a transfer student that fall.
After I started school, a slow but steady series of losses of different kinds began to happen. Through a number of events I gradually lost contact with all of the friends who had known my friend. These losses were not due to death, but they removed an important source of support from me.
In 1994, I was hit by a car while visiting a friend in New York. I was not hurt; however, the intrusive experiences involving car accidents returned, and I had to work through my fear of cars all over again. Just as I was beginning to walk the streets and ride in cars with confidence, three accidents occurred which were responsible for the deaths of an acquaintance, a family member, and the sibling of a friend. The accidents all occurred within weeks of each other, and my confidence was shaken.
At that time I was also enmeshed with another person in what both of us thought was a very strong friendship. Instead, it was a very codependent relationship. In the spring of 1995, she moved away without saying goodbye to anyone in town. On some level I knew that her action was probably not meant as a personal thing toward me. But it occurred after we faced the realities of our friendship and tried in vain to establish a more healthy friendship. I felt abandoned and rejected.
Many of my actions after these losses were based on fear of abandonment and a need for strong friendships with other females. These feelings were so strong that they interfered with my devotion to school and, eventually, with my marriage.
As I write this, I come to realize that when a single traumatic event is followed by additional traumas which affect a person in the same way, the effect is similar to an ongoing trauma. It is not so easy to let go of the effects of the original trauma; for they have been reinforced by the later traumas.
I experienced a lot of fragmenting after my friend's death in 1992. Initially, I was conscious of the fact that I was ejecting my experiences into prototypes. I intended to write a novel about it, and I intended for the novel to be a therapeutic activity. Perhaps I still will write it. But the story ran away on some course of its own, and the characters proved to be parts of myself which were frozen in an experience from which they did not know how to heal.
It took me seven years to find peace regarding my friend's death. During this time I have come to grips with some of the other events. I am still working on others. But I now understand much better what happened to my life during those seven years.
It took a dream to bring me peace regarding my friend's death. I would like to share it on this site because I believe that it has value in a general sense as well as for myself. Click here to read about my dream.
I have also written a page about the difference between story characters and dissociated parts of the self. If this interests you, please read "Story Vs. Dissociation".
If you or someone you know has experienced a loss due to death or separation from a loved one, the following resources may be helpful to you.
The following books may be helpful.
My friend's death was recorded as a suicide. This complicated my grief process in many ways. Here are a few resources I found helpful.
Healing
After the Suicide of a Loved One
This book is written primarily for family
members but also has some good information about dealing with guilt, the grief process,
etc.
Suicide:
The Forever Decision
This book addresses people who are dealing with
thoughts of suicide in a conversational manner and discusses the reasons a person
considers suicide, its effects on the family, and coping strategies.
Some books which may be helpful include:
Often grief continues past the first few days following a death and funeral. This can be especially true if the loss was unexpected. Following are some ways to provide support in the long term.
Sit with the grieving person. People who are grieving may feel very alone and may benefit from simply having someone else around. The grieving person may or may not want to talk about anything. Respect this.
Avoid gestures and phrases that communicate unintentional negative messages. Many people who are grieving an unexpected loss are often confronted with messages such as, "Get over it," or, "It's time to move on." These messages are well meant but often do the opposite of what they were intended to do. People who are grieving go through certain stages and may even go through them more than once. There is no formula for coming to terms with loss, no timetable that dictates when the loss becomes a memory and not a traumatic experience. The grieving person may need support beyond what you can give, but it is always important to communicate with your words and your actions that you are aware of his/her feelings and available to provide whatever support you reasonably can.
Set healthy boundaries for yourself. It is not necessary or healthy for the family and friends of a survivor of traumatic loss to be available at all hours or to discuss all topics. If you cannot spend time with the grieving person when you are asked, say so and set up another time when you are willing and able to commit yourself to being there. When that time comes, make every effott to keep your commitment. If you have scheduled your time poorly and you cannot keep the commitment, acknowledge this fact for yourself and reschedule. Keep in mind that too many cancellations will communicate a lack of concern to the survivor. It is better to put off scheduling until you can do it wisely and keep your commitment than to schedule time and continue cancelling.
If you cannot discuss certain topics, admit this to the survivor and suggest appropriate sources of support, perhaps offering to accompany the survivor to meet with a new therapist or a support group.
For more information about supporting survivors of trauma, see the resource page for family and friends.