by Sarah
Coping with daily life during the months following my discovery was difficult. Now that I knew what was wrong, I wanted to know why--and I wanted to do something about it. Unfortunately, I was afraid of talking about it with a therapist at the time. I sought help from other survivors and from what information I could find. Most people were caring and supportive, but most could not relate to the experiences I had. Many were not strong enough to provide a healthy level of support. My husband was afraid of discussing dissociation, especially after seeing the impact some of my newfound "friendships" had on me. He feared that I was creating personalities in an effort to be like other people because I lacked a sense of identity.
Once I began to explore memories and feelings, I found that many things in my daily life could trigger feelings or memories with which I was not equipped to cope. This was often the cause of my episodes of spacing out. In an effort to control these episodes, I wrote in a journal. When I couldn't deal with the pain associated with the feelings or memories, I escaped into my mind and "put on another hat" so that I could deal with them or continue with whatever task I needed to do at the time. This was no different from what I had done for much of my life; but now I knew what I was doing--and I was ashamed of it.
I learned that each of my selves had her own strengths and weaknesses. Cara showed an aptitude for psychology; Meredith's notes were organized and easy to follow; Amber was a quick thinker and typist and was a good person to have on hand for note-taking during certain classes. When a professor wandered off topic, Amber amused herself (and me):
Oh, great. He's talking about quizzes. Quizzes with 20 questions. We get to play 20 questions! And only two tests! Man, this is gonna be a hard class.
He just made a boo boo. He was talking about the mind/body theories, but he said mind/theory bodies. Ok, time to get down to business. ...
The fundamental variables in physics are centimeters, grams, seconds. All units of measurement. The fundamental variables are space, mass, and time. Oh, boy, I got something! Even the most reductionistic science is relativistic. Man, these are big words! I don't know what kind of questions he will ask on these two essay tests or how to study for them. In physics, the fundamental variable is defined in units of measurement. A measurement is always that way. You can always convert them from one unit to another because they don't change. Psychology is not just the physics of space. It is also your experience of space. Experience is not always the same. You can't measure it.
1:56. Time is real slow. 16 minutes through class so far.
He's gone through all three elements and pointed out that our experience of them is not always the same. I want to laugh when he says how 75 minutes can go really slow if he is giving a boring lecture. Hehehehehehe! I have four 75-minute classes today. They all go different amounts of time. Wouldn't ya know?
During the spring of 1997, I survived school by allowing Cara, Meredith and Amber to take over in class. I even made a B in the class with the 20-question quizzes. "Why can't you accept that it's all you doing this?" a therapist asked.
I couldn't accept it because I didn't feel that I could achieve it. I could not connect with the parts of me that had those abilities.
I have learned a lot since then. I learned many things about my "selves". Most recently, I have learned that there may be a legitimate reason why I seem to have different abilities or strengths and weaknesses depending on "what hat I am wearing". Trauma causes certain chemical reactions in the brain, and memories, feelings, and patterns of behavior which occur in response to trauma may be stored as fragments in the brain. When that part of the brain is accessed for any reason, the traits associated with it and the facts and skills learned while in that state of mind will be strongly expressed. Understanding this did much to alleviate my fear of being "crazy". I still desire to "blend" these aspects of myself into a cooperative network, but I no longer feel that I am simply "not cooperating". Instead, I understand that I have a lot of work to do and that stressors which cause traumatic memories to be awakened and new situations with which I do not yet have the skills to cope can cause me to regress into my dissociative patterns.
I eventually sought help from a therapist. However, there were many problems during the time I was in her care. I was not ready emotionally for the things she wanted me to do; she was unwilling to explore the issues with which I felt I needed help. After five months, I returned to my attempts to design my own self-help program. I later found a new therapist and remained in her care for nearly three years.
I have discovered many resources which were not available during those months in 1997 and 1998. I hope that by sharing them, others will be helped.
Dealing with Flashbacks or Flooding
Here are some good practical tips for coping with intrusive memories.
Self-Care
One of the hardest things for me to accept is the fact that no one can meet my needs in the way that I want them met. This as been especially difficult for young and vulnerable parts of me. Having some techniques for taking care of myself helps me to tolerate painful times. This page gives some great suggestions for learning to take care of yourself.
Tips for Managing Triggers
This is an excellent page with suggestions for handling triggers which you choose to process rather than avoid. These suggestions may be especially useful while reading about dissociation and traumatic stress.
Building a Support System
Here is a list of things to think about when choosing the people whom you consider your support system. You may wish to add to this list.
Staying Present
"Spacing out" was what terrified me the most. I never lost huge chunks of time, but "waking up" and realizing that I had "missed" something was very upsetting. This page provides some good tips for working toward staying "here" when you're upset.
Triggers and
Desensitization
Here are more tips for learning to cope with things that bri target="_blank"ng up old feelings and memories.