by Sarah J. Blake
Peer relationships are important for all children. They can also be difficult for all children, especially at certain ages. Disability can add new dimensions to children's social difficulties; but there are many ways parents and caregivers can help to make group play a positive experience for young children when disability is a factor.
When a child with a disability visits a friend's home for the first time or begins attending a child care center or new school, safety is often the foremost concern of his parents as well as the adults who will be supervising play in the new environment. Addressing safety concerns is the first step in making the group play experience a positive one.
Safety concerns may be legitimate, and they may also be based on misconceptions or unrealistic fears. If you are concerned that a particular play environment may present hazards or barriers for a child with a disability, identifying the causes of danger or difficulty will help you to set appropriate boundaries for play so that all children are able to play safely and happily. The following questions will help to identify potential problems and create a "toolbox" of solutions before the need arises.
When children begin to form their first friendships, they are often faced with the task of incorporating new ideas into their understanding of the environment. Generally, this task is accomplished by comparing the new information to what the child already knows. If Amy's new neighbor is a boy, Amy will assume that he is like other boys she knows, that he probably enjoys playing with balls and cars. If, however, the new child is a Martian, Amy will create a new category of people in her mind because she has never seen a Martian and does not know what Martian children like to play with. As she gets to know the Martian child, she will begin to understand that Martian children are like Earth children in many ways; and she will begin to merge the two categories at some points.
The above example is rather outlandish--there are no Martian children; but it illustrates the process that a child goes through when she is confronted with a difference. She evaluates "sameness" and difference and determines how to relate to the new person based on this information. Understanding this learning process is a vital part of helping to facilitate friendships between children with and without disabilities. This is particularly true when there are ways a person compensates for disability which may not be obvious to a child without disabilities.
For example, a child can close her eyes in order to try to understand blindness; however, the child is thrust suddenly into a world of darkness and does not have the skills needed to compensate for the inability to see. This is generally not what life is like for a blind child. The blind child has spent a lifetime learning to do things without her vision. Nonvisual techniques are very natural. However, children's thinking is often very black and white; and without assistance they may experience difficulties in relating to each other when confronted with the need to find a creative solution in order to play together. I experienced these problems often as a blind child; but I gained a new understanding of them firsthand as an adult.
When my niece was four, she didn't understand blindness very well yet and didn't know how to express herself well enough to get the understanding she needed. Some of what looked like cruelty at first was simply acting out behavior because she didn't understand something and she couldn't cope with something that didn't fit into her understanding of the world. Her method of coping with it was to refuse it, prevent it from happening, make it go away, etc. I can remember one incident very clearly.
My parents and I had gone to my sister's house or dinner, and Mom and I were in Harmony's room playing with her. She pulled out a form board with the alphabet letters that pop out. We popped them out; and when I started to put one in, she started screaming and pushing me out of the room saying I couldn't play. I was totally unprepared for this, and it made no sense to me even as an adult. It brought back all the rejection feelings from my childhood, and I considered just leaving the room in order to keep the peace. I was surprised that my mom actually told Harmony that she wouldn't play unless I was also allowed to play. That's when the truth came out. Harmony wailed, "But she can't SEE!"
Mom and I realized that Harmony didn't understand that I knew about print letters. She only knew that I read braille, and she didn't understand that if print was raised I could read it too. After we explained it to her, she was still upset about the idea; but she did stop screaming. She simply chose another toy, and I put the form board back together while she wasn't watching.
By age four, children are also learning that they can use various means to get what they want. They have often progressed beyond using tantrums to control situations that feel uncontrollable and instead use questions or even try to take matters into their own hands. They may behave cruelly without intending to. Often adults excuse such behavior, saying that the child doesn't know better. No, of course the child doesn't know better. But the behavior creates a "teachable moment," and these moments can be very powerful--for good or for ill.
By the time Harmony was four, she knew enough about blindness to know how to teas and taunt and even how to take advantage of the situation to get her way. When she stayed with me while school was out or her parents were away, I had to be very strict about these behaviors, and it took a lot of open-mindedness to determine what was a cruel behavior and what was Harmony's attempt to learn something about blindness. When she did something that I interpreted as cruelty, I usually had a discussion with her about why she did it. I had to ask a lot of questions if I thought she was testing me to see if her understanding of blindness was correct. This kind of problem-solving is a process that requires maturity and ability to control one's reactions to emotions--things that young children do not yet possess.
By the age of four, the child with a disability is also learning to think about differences and beginning to understand that she is different and that her difference may create unwanted problems. This awareness can sometimes lead to the development of negative feelings about disability. Caregivers can play an active role in helping the child with a disability to learn to think positively about herself as well as develop healthy methods of coping with distress early in life.
When nondisabled children are teasing a child with a disability, it is very important for the caregiver to help them think through their reasons as well as to help the child who is being teased to understand the situation and cope with her emotions. A few questions can help caregivers find the best solution for diffusing the tention.
Children's friendships are often alternately extremely intense and explosive. I see this a lot in child care environments. One moment children are fast friends, and the next moment they want nothing to do with each other. Five minutes later they've "kissed and made up." A lot of this has much to do with a four-year-old's lack of problem-solving and communication skills.
Supervision is extremely important in helping children to manage social problems, especially during the preschool years, because these skills need to be taught--and they need to be taught to disabled and nondisabled childrenalike. Some children may pick skills up easily, and it's easy to think that they're learning them automatically; but they learn more completely when adults make an effort to teach skills intentionally. Part of that learning comes through corrected mistakes, but a good bit of it also comes from doing something correctly and knowing how it feels to do it correctly.
Planned activities provide very positive experiences, and things that are planned but also have some degree of flexibility also reduce stress for everyone involved. "Free play" that is supervised gives the adult opportunities to help children think about what they're planning to do and how to make their activities positive experiences. I would not recommend leaving a group of four-year-olds to play independently while you are in the next room, even if the room they are playing in is child-friendly--communication skills can create opportunities for injuries that don't heal as easily as most physical injuries.
If you are the parent of a child with a disability, you can do a number of things to help him build healthy peer relationships.
It's important to define boundaries that help children to know what to expect and who controls the situation. For instance, if nondisabled children are playing at your home, they need to play in ways that include your child. It is completely appropriate for you to make rules regarding behavior and to set consequences for failure to follow the rules. This may include time outs for taunting or other exclusive behaviors they have previously been asked not to do.
Children with disabilities may sometimes feel that they have very little control over their own lives or the activities they are participating in. They may choose to play alone but long for friendships. When they play with peers, they may attempt to dominate the play. Some children may be resistent to following rules set by another child's parents. If your child is resistent to following rules at a friend's home, it may be helpful to present him with choices. He can play with his friend and follow the rules, or he can play at home where he may like the rules but has to play alone.
When your child goes to play at a friend's home or in a child care environment, he may not always be able to control the activity; and he may need to cope with being excluded or unable to participate at times. If the visit will will last for a while and he will not be able to request to come home when he wants to, providing toys that he can play with may make it easier for him to tolerate stress if he becomes unhappy or feels left out.
Creating positive group play experiences for young children with disabilities will provide them as well as their friends with skills that will be useful in a wide variety of situations. They will learn how to communicate more effectively, handle their emotions more maturely, and how to think creatively in order to solve problems. All of these skills will be useful as they grow older and relationships and experiences become more complex. Taking these steps early will ensure that children have the best chance of succeeding in other areas of life.